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Space Exploration Just Got More Interesting!

Spaceflight has a new player.

Mommy’s boss Al announced a bold new approach to space exploration today. Dubbed “Satellite 100”, the planned project will save money by combining manned space travel with weather data collection.

The timeline for this program is extremely ambitious, with an expected launch date only 30 days away. The first ten days of the project will be headed by Mommy as she selects a team of five, and the next 17 days will involve the actual construction of the satellite in a big room full of machinery and fire. The trickiest part of assembly will come on day 11 of the project, when some wires will need to be cut.

Equally ambitious are the funding plans for Satellite 100. With Everybody pitching in, the expected cost is expected to be $18 dollars. However, an anonymous GAO source who has worked on space procurement in the past indicates that overruns may stretch into the tens of dollars over the course of the project. When asked for a response, Sat100 spokesman Steve indicated only that costs would be kept low by limiting the weight of the satellite to 700 pounds and by having the team provide their own hammers and jackhammers.

Leaked schematics of Satellite 100 show its general layout, as well as the expected height of 100 feet.

Leaked schematics of Satellite 100 show its general layout, as well as its expected height of 100 feet.

Expected to launch in 27 days, Satellite 100 will be filling a variety of goals. In order to ensure accurate weather data collection, there will be a window in the satellite that astronauts can point cameras out of. On the other hand, the astronauts on this mission will spend their time “shaking down” the system to see if it works, mostly by having fun and floating around. Steve was quick to mention, however, that while it might be funny to forecast Martian weather, a safety thingee would be installed to ensure that this didn’t happen.

The crew of this exciting new project has yet to be selected, but will consist of between 1-3 members of the assembly team. If selected, the yet-unnamed 20-year-old crewmember will be the youngest person ever to travel in space. However, with also-unnamed but allegedly seasoned 60- and 58-year-old members on the assembly team, insiders believe that the first crew will be older than most.

Though just announced, this program has already aroused controversy with its vague plans. Though there is apparently a location for both assembly and launch, neither has been released with Steve indicating only that “we’ll put them anywhere [we] want.” Equally uncertain is the planned method of reentry. Though a source close to the project has said a rover will be used to lower the astronauts to the landing site, he conceded that they hadn’t yet succeeded in stuffing it in there.

Industry response was swift and colorful. Though NASA had no official comment, one inside suggests that the mission was far too ambitious. On the other hand, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk praised the mission as “providing a welcome boost to our shared mission of journeying to the stars.”

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